my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
