my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
