oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
