you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
