So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
