Just fell off a train. Bad.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
