He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
