He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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