Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
