No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
