So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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