When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
