you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
