last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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