"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
