Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Vodka?
Forever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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