no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
