Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
