So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
