we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
