other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize