I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize