im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
