Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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