Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
