I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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