my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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