I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
