i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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