happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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