your parents love me but you hate me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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