i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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