sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
