If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
