I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
