I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
