Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize