called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize