3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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