Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
