how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
