I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
being pregnant is like rehab
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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