I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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