You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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