One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
where are you?
Hypothermia
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
