Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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