if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
