I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
