next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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