My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
