So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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