im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
