why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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