sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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