Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
