i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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