She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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