I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize