pedialite and red bull = repair kit
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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