any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
