Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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