I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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